April 5, 2009

if you could ever run so far away from a feeling that you'd forget it,
but sometimes the things that we cant stand are the things that we can't forget.






I wonder why so many people return to the same problems, recreating the same situations with different people at a different time.
Some people beleive that with out knowledge of the past, the past is doomed to repeat itself.
I wouldnt say that im a knowledgeable kind of person, but i know that simplicity is a beautiful thing.
If you look at my life and see what i see, you would agree that nothing is ever as it seems, and ignorance is a straight path to failure.
I have alot on my back and i dont expect anyone to read this, but i feel lead to say something.


This is me, being plain and honest.




All my life i have been an obedient child to my parents and done everything without question, one of these things would be attending church. I was 'saved' at the age of 12 because i didnt want to be the only kid in the youth group who hadnt been baptized. i didnt beleive, but the peer pressure of feeling like i would be an out cast among this group like family was enough to make me lie and say that my faith was true.
i know its dumb, but i have felt guitly for this since the day.
When i was 13 my grandfather died and what little faith i held onto died with him. I was no longer an innocent and i took any opportunity to be distructive that came along. Nothing mattered to me, not even my own body. My parents caught me with a cigarette, then caught me high, they caught me purging, and drinking. My Dad used to get mad alot, he would yell at me and my mom would just watch and eventually ask him to stop.
So i hid behind religion because i knew that was the only thing i knew that would make them proud and to forgive me for the pain a had caused.
Alot of things happened between 13-15 years of age, happiness would come and go, but i would always feel empty and skeptical of every good thing that happened.
My mom had alot of medical problems, and often i would be concerned but she would always say things like 'God will protect me' or 'Don't worry, just pray.' And i would pray, but i would feel like a liar everytime i adressed the higher being.
i have gone to church every sunday morning, sunday night and wednesday since before i can remember. and i can only remember a short time that i think i actually felt like God was there. I remember when i was little and i was scared of the dark and deep water and thunderstorms, i would always hide and pray and block out everything else. But now that i look back, i would hide in God. I beleived that he would protect me.

But now that im older, i know what the world is like. Now that im older, i dont have any real fears. If i was to meet with death, i would go quietly knowing that it was my time, i wouldnt be afraid. Sure i havent lived a full or long life, but we never really know when we'll go.
I feel like so many people are scared of death, wich is why they run to religion. Other people attend so their children will have a positive environment to be in. I think that i am the person i am today by the people that influemced me at a young age, sunday school teachers, my family, and my siblings. And i appriciate what my parents did for me when they gave me that group of people to grow up with.

i was born into a God fearing family and a good home, but i think i have a different purpose, i feel like i dont share their beleifs for a reason.

im tired of feeling like a liar, im not a bad person. i just dont beleive. my heart is right and i have more reason now to feel guilty for all the things that ive done, but i feel no guilt. I have peace and i dont have any regrets.


i am a girl, living in a world of mob behavior, greed, and deception.

I dont know whats real, but i know what is real varys from person to person. And people change. Converting and loosing faith is very common. i personally, dont know what to beleive, but ill know its true when it finds me at the right time. That will be real to me, but it might now be true to you. Everyone is different

and i dont carehow you say it or what its called

but religion or not, i just want simplicity and peace.


and im sure thats what alot of people search for all their lives, and ive found it by doing what i feel lead to do. following my heart and intuition.


But i will never be able to tell you what i really am, it would break my heart to dissappoint you.