Dissappointment is a part of life. You will never exactly be what anyone wants you to be and you will let everyone down, just as they will let you down. Picking the people you choose to trust you must understand that they are not perfect. Everyone will let you down, you just have to decide who is worth the heartache. Being stood up may not be as bad as a missed call but both ways you will feel disappointed if it means something to you.
Unfortunately I have taught myself not to expect too much from anyone. Higher expectations = more dissappointment. I like to think im a pretty good friend, I almost never bail on plans, I do not spit words like fire, and I will not judge you. The reason I am able to be like this is because I dont care what you do, who you are, or where you've been, because here and now is all that matters. I have been let down alot and unfortunately I have had feelings for some dissappointing people. It is not unusuall to chase in uncatchable person in an impossible race. All you can guarentee is that you will give it your best shot.
Most people think that I am a very strong person, and often intimidate the people around me. But no, I am not a person such as this. My insecurities enable me to build emotional barriers and limits. My nature is very humble, I never ask much from anyone because I know not to expect too much. I know better than to easily trust, I know better than to give myself out. I am a very open and genuine person most days, but on other occassions I am a love sick teenegers worst nightmare. When I change my mind it happens so suddenly I have no choice but to react accordingly. I promised myself that I will do my best to follow my gut, because if you dont let your heart speak you will never be happy.
I have a heart capable of the most beautiful spark, or of the most chaotic wildfire. Sometimes I feel nothing at all and mostly that is the case, but when I am illuminated I can be the most vulnerable love stricken person you've ever met. I have only felt completely illuminated twice in my life. The reason I use the term 'illuminated' is because in that moment of pure bliss and satisfation, you feel like you could glow. You feel like the most beautiful creation straight from God's hands and the air you breathe seems the sweetest its ever been.
I beleive that in the moments of illumination we are the closest to stars than we could ever be. Wether its a star in the sky or a star on stage, you feel loved by the world and at peace with everything. These moments are only found when you follow feelings and allow yourself to go where you dared not go before. It does not have to involve anyone else, you can illuminate when you have reached a goal or accomplished something great.
Dissapointment may be the likely outcime of taking a chance, but sometimes we get lucky and find illumination. You never know what you may be handed, but always give it your best shot.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Pray.
You want nothing more than to close your eyes and let the feelings fade, but this means more to me than I can grasp. The memories echo as I sit in my room. It is an unsettling thing to face reality and learn to prioritize. It hurts to give up hope for a situation and promptly move foreward. Sometimes I just want to stay in greif and accept punishment. Life is not fair by any means, and luck has little to do with anything. You must learn to put yourself first and allow yourself to not get stuck in any rut. Self-empowerment is a very influential force, you have more controll than you realize. I am strong. I am moving foreward. I am independent.
Its okay to be alone. You can learn alot about yourself by just sitting in your room soaking up your own thoughts. I have spoken previously about medatation but now I am going to a less understood means of channeling emotions. Many people think prayer is only for religious persons but I beleive it is for everybody. When you feel out of controll of a situation christians encourage prayer to seek help from God. For us unaffiliated with religious culture we pray to gain insight. Putting yourself in 3rd person and assessing a situation through the eyes of an outside source gives you new persepective on the problem enabling you with different ideas on how to deal.
Prayer is in itself a form of medatation. When you pray you allow for God to act as an recycling bin for all of your hopes, wishes, thoughts, worries, and cares. It is soothing to allow yourself to verbally admit to fault and ask for forgiveness, but sometimes we forget to forgive ourselves. Making your heart right will clear your head and allow you to regrow.
I am not saying I am close minded to God because I see how blessed I am every day. I beleive that religion is now a clouded, selfish, diluted, and corrupt version of what God intended for the institution of the Church to be. I cannot stand hyppocritical people. I also cannot stand people who shun 'sinners' or claim evil upon individuals who are different than what they beleive to be acceptable. Times have changed since the B.C. and I beleive that God will judge your heart and your works on the day of reconing. I have faith for the human race, I just beleive our world is misguided. If we all understood ourselves better we could then help to reshape our world into something beautiful. There is hope, but there are also so many versions of God that the religious war is worldwide leaving nothing left to beleive but your heart.
There is so much hostility between religious branches even though they all beleive in a God. WHY? I beleive its all politics. Churches are the most expensive and highest grossing buissnesses across the world. WHY? God should be in your heart, you should not have to visit temple to remind him that you are still faithful. An allknowing God will not reach down and give you a pat on the back, and he would not want you to waste all your time mingling with only faithful people. God wants you to go to the sinners and be an influence on their lives. It makes me so mad how when I want to talk about religion it always turns to an arguement about repenting or I am completely ignored. Is there no tolerance left in the world?
Its okay to be alone. You can learn alot about yourself by just sitting in your room soaking up your own thoughts. I have spoken previously about medatation but now I am going to a less understood means of channeling emotions. Many people think prayer is only for religious persons but I beleive it is for everybody. When you feel out of controll of a situation christians encourage prayer to seek help from God. For us unaffiliated with religious culture we pray to gain insight. Putting yourself in 3rd person and assessing a situation through the eyes of an outside source gives you new persepective on the problem enabling you with different ideas on how to deal.
Prayer is in itself a form of medatation. When you pray you allow for God to act as an recycling bin for all of your hopes, wishes, thoughts, worries, and cares. It is soothing to allow yourself to verbally admit to fault and ask for forgiveness, but sometimes we forget to forgive ourselves. Making your heart right will clear your head and allow you to regrow.
I am not saying I am close minded to God because I see how blessed I am every day. I beleive that religion is now a clouded, selfish, diluted, and corrupt version of what God intended for the institution of the Church to be. I cannot stand hyppocritical people. I also cannot stand people who shun 'sinners' or claim evil upon individuals who are different than what they beleive to be acceptable. Times have changed since the B.C. and I beleive that God will judge your heart and your works on the day of reconing. I have faith for the human race, I just beleive our world is misguided. If we all understood ourselves better we could then help to reshape our world into something beautiful. There is hope, but there are also so many versions of God that the religious war is worldwide leaving nothing left to beleive but your heart.
There is so much hostility between religious branches even though they all beleive in a God. WHY? I beleive its all politics. Churches are the most expensive and highest grossing buissnesses across the world. WHY? God should be in your heart, you should not have to visit temple to remind him that you are still faithful. An allknowing God will not reach down and give you a pat on the back, and he would not want you to waste all your time mingling with only faithful people. God wants you to go to the sinners and be an influence on their lives. It makes me so mad how when I want to talk about religion it always turns to an arguement about repenting or I am completely ignored. Is there no tolerance left in the world?
The world would be a better place if we all knew where we stand in our selves.
Dont just soak in everyone else's perspective, know yourself and what you stand for.
"If you dont stand for something you'll fall for anything." -SuckerPunch
Independent and codependednt people.
Many people spend their whole life seeking partners. Not many partners last long, but then its on to the next one. Some people thrive on companionship and cannot survive without it. These people are refered to as codependent.
Wikki says:
Codependency (or codependence, co-narcissism or inverted narcissism) is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[1] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships.[1] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns.[1]
Codependent people are always trying to fill a void, they cannot function alone. These people can be labeled as the clingy, head over heels, dont ever leave me, spoil you rotten so you'll stay, i'll love you till your dying day types.
Wikki says:
Codependency (or codependence, co-narcissism or inverted narcissism) is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[1] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships.[1] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns.[1]
Codependent people are always trying to fill a void, they cannot function alone. These people can be labeled as the clingy, head over heels, dont ever leave me, spoil you rotten so you'll stay, i'll love you till your dying day types.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Rebound.
Heartbreakers to heartbreakers and lovers to lovers. Its a never ending cycle of predictable arguements. Predictable relationships are like diamonds still set in coal, everyone has potential, but not everyone can show it. Some people prefer to stay under cover, and others let their true colors show. Its hard to tell an honest man from a crook. Some men come along to swoon you, but are not man of romance. Some come with nothing more than the hope to be more than you've had, to complete you. Others just use you untill you fill your purpose, then you're sure to be done for.
Some situations should never happen. Even though a guy may be perfect for you if he comes at the worst of times your relationship is as good as done. Never leave one relationship and enter another, you're setting yourself up for failure. Surely there are hopes for better days, but today you may just need to be on your own. It is no easy thing to leave. It is never easy for anyone to realize their mistakes and face them. A person's pride is their worst enemy. Your pride can make you look past the obvious and shoot for the twinkle of a wish of a dream. Pride makes you put wellbeing last and go for what is easy. Pride makes you not realize what is in front of you.
I do not beleive in luck, or fate for that matter. I beleive in personal decisions and opinions. I beleive that what you do affects the way you live, and everyone is going to hurt you one way or another. Life is all about figuring out who is worth the pain and putting up with it because you understand them. True friends stick with you through anything you do, and men they just leave, like autumn leaves. They fall and crumble untill new ones grow.
Some situations should never happen. Even though a guy may be perfect for you if he comes at the worst of times your relationship is as good as done. Never leave one relationship and enter another, you're setting yourself up for failure. Surely there are hopes for better days, but today you may just need to be on your own. It is no easy thing to leave. It is never easy for anyone to realize their mistakes and face them. A person's pride is their worst enemy. Your pride can make you look past the obvious and shoot for the twinkle of a wish of a dream. Pride makes you put wellbeing last and go for what is easy. Pride makes you not realize what is in front of you.
I do not beleive in luck, or fate for that matter. I beleive in personal decisions and opinions. I beleive that what you do affects the way you live, and everyone is going to hurt you one way or another. Life is all about figuring out who is worth the pain and putting up with it because you understand them. True friends stick with you through anything you do, and men they just leave, like autumn leaves. They fall and crumble untill new ones grow.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Silence
Medatation is known to help promote personal insight. Sitting in silence you dive into a peaceful place filled with your own visions of beauty and lights. I see violent colors and soft words. I see vivid reminders of hope. I see music and the structure of sound. In my silence there is static, a sound I cannot shake. It will not be quiet. It will not subdue. I cannot drown out the numbness or the texture of the sound, like grinding teeth.
In my dreams I am always alone and content. When another person tries to take me away chaos breaks loose destroying my perfect world. It could be the nicest of people trying to take me somewhere better, but here is the only place i want to be. I don't care that things could be better, because I am where I want to be. It may not be perfect but it is my world.
Sometimes I do have other people in my dreams, but I never see any faces. Everyone is the same except for their voices, I dream of comforting words ive never been given or sometimes of specific memories. I see myself in the best of situations and the worst when my imagination runs. Sometimes I dream of passion, and sometimes torture.
So many thoughts and so many dreams float around when silence takes over. I love the sound, and to listen through it. Even on a still night you can hear life softly in it's silence. Call me odd, but i think each sound and word is a blessing. It is a blessed thing to hear and observe. And it is a blessed thing to make your own life noise.
Even on a still night you breathe heavily and your heart beats. You are blessed. Listen harder if you dont beleive me. Listen so hard you can hear yourself think and let the silence consume you. Let your own music find you.
In my dreams I am always alone and content. When another person tries to take me away chaos breaks loose destroying my perfect world. It could be the nicest of people trying to take me somewhere better, but here is the only place i want to be. I don't care that things could be better, because I am where I want to be. It may not be perfect but it is my world.
Sometimes I do have other people in my dreams, but I never see any faces. Everyone is the same except for their voices, I dream of comforting words ive never been given or sometimes of specific memories. I see myself in the best of situations and the worst when my imagination runs. Sometimes I dream of passion, and sometimes torture.
So many thoughts and so many dreams float around when silence takes over. I love the sound, and to listen through it. Even on a still night you can hear life softly in it's silence. Call me odd, but i think each sound and word is a blessing. It is a blessed thing to hear and observe. And it is a blessed thing to make your own life noise.
Even on a still night you breathe heavily and your heart beats. You are blessed. Listen harder if you dont beleive me. Listen so hard you can hear yourself think and let the silence consume you. Let your own music find you.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Music.
Silence is the best way to keep things quiet. The best way to break stillness is with music. Music crosses all universal boundaries and dives straight into your heart. Music is its own form of love as it fills you with life. I have no greater love for anything than music, it over flows me. I feel free when I am dancing. I feel careless when a beat tickles my feet. There is no better way to express a feeling than through song. I am in love with the song. I am in love with the sound.There is no better cure for the blues like a breakdown.
Can you feel your heartbeat racing?
Can you taste the fear in her sweat?
You've done this wrong
It's too far gone
These sheets tell of regret
I admit that I'm just a fool for you
I am just a fool for you
Here is where we both feel wrong
Tonight's your last chance to
Do exactly what you want to
And this could be my night
This is what makes me feel alive
Makes you feel alive
Here is where we both go wrong
So tie me up
And toss this keyCause for now we're living in this moment
And we both ignore the truthIt's all over
It's all over
I feel your heart against mine
So take a breath and close your eyes
Can you taste the fear in her sweat?
You've done this wrong
It's too far gone
These sheets tell of regret
I admit that I'm just a fool for you
I am just a fool for you
Here is where we both feel wrong
Tonight's your last chance to
Do exactly what you want to
And this could be my night
This is what makes me feel alive
Makes you feel alive
Here is where we both go wrong
So tie me up
And toss this keyCause for now we're living in this moment
And we both ignore the truthIt's all over
It's all over
I feel your heart against mine
So take a breath and close your eyes
Your lungs have failed and they both stopped breathing
My heart is dead, it's way past beatingSomething has gone terribly wrong
I'm scared, you're scared, we're scared of this
I never thought we'd make it out alive
I never told you but it's all in your goodbyes
It's all in your goodbyes
Well look who's dying now
Slit wrists for sleeping with the girl next door
I always knew you were such a sucker for that
It doesn't matter what you say
You never mattered anyway
Never mattered anyway
In this moment that we both ignore the truth
It's all over
It's all over
I feel your heart against mine
So take a breath and close your eyes
My heart is dead, it's way past beatingSomething has gone terribly wrong
I'm scared, you're scared, we're scared of this
I never thought we'd make it out alive
I never told you but it's all in your goodbyes
It's all in your goodbyes
Well look who's dying now
Slit wrists for sleeping with the girl next door
I always knew you were such a sucker for that
It doesn't matter what you say
You never mattered anyway
Never mattered anyway
In this moment that we both ignore the truth
It's all over
It's all over
I feel your heart against mine
So take a breath and close your eyes
Don't shake, I hate to see you tremble
Trembling you've lost your touch
Haven't you run
So addicted
-Boy Brushed Red living in Black and White by UNDER0ATH
Surrender
I do not want your love, I do not want your sex, I do not want your flattery. I do not need you, your gifts, or your good will. If all of these things are building up to trying to make me fall in love, I would rather you not waste your time. I only wish for you to like me. Being in 'like' is alot less tense than love. Love is over rated, taken for granted, and a clever ploy many men use to get a woman into bed.
I like to think of myself as a fairly intellegent human being most days, but some girls are just flat out dense. I cannot go out on a weekend without hearing some lonely guy try to hit on me. Though it may not work on me, it will work for the big busted blonde two seats down from me and they will leave together within 20 minutes.
I cannot be won with compliments and clingyness, and I do not like words. I love conversation, but by 'words' I mean the ridiculous moosh passed down from ear to ear like a bad cold. When I become emotionally attatched to a person it becomes easier for me to soften up, but I never let my guard down. When I recognize sincerity in words I do take them to heart, I am not heartless by any means. I am not easy to surrender, but I am not incapable of it. The right words from the right person could melt my heart as fast as wax. I just dont know what I want to hear, or who from the words would be coming.
A few things are always undetermined because you never know where you might be tomorrow night. You never know who will be thinking about you or who will be silently missing you. You can never guess who you will love or how it will come about. And you might never know why you keep coming back.
Time moves slowly so savor every minute, take in every breath and always make the most of it. Surrender to your heart to only what feels right. Don't ever do anything out of pity or spite. Give into the moment and all fear will subside.
I like to think of myself as a fairly intellegent human being most days, but some girls are just flat out dense. I cannot go out on a weekend without hearing some lonely guy try to hit on me. Though it may not work on me, it will work for the big busted blonde two seats down from me and they will leave together within 20 minutes.
I cannot be won with compliments and clingyness, and I do not like words. I love conversation, but by 'words' I mean the ridiculous moosh passed down from ear to ear like a bad cold. When I become emotionally attatched to a person it becomes easier for me to soften up, but I never let my guard down. When I recognize sincerity in words I do take them to heart, I am not heartless by any means. I am not easy to surrender, but I am not incapable of it. The right words from the right person could melt my heart as fast as wax. I just dont know what I want to hear, or who from the words would be coming.
A few things are always undetermined because you never know where you might be tomorrow night. You never know who will be thinking about you or who will be silently missing you. You can never guess who you will love or how it will come about. And you might never know why you keep coming back.
Time moves slowly so savor every minute, take in every breath and always make the most of it. Surrender to your heart to only what feels right. Don't ever do anything out of pity or spite. Give into the moment and all fear will subside.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Disconnected
I have always broken hearts, I can never make myself stay. After the first few that broke me I never was the same. A stronger more confident version of me rose from the ashes of my own broken heart, and I picked myself back up. It is no easy thing to leave a boy, but I cannot deny it once it's time. I am no romantic. I cannot hold someones heart and not want to give it back. I can not trust anyone with my heart, so I know I'll never love. I live in the moments i'm lucky enough to come across.
It is a comforting thought that there are others like me out there, surely I cannot be the only one. I've met others, I've been with others, but those of my breed always run away for a variety of reasons. A heartbreaker will leave you for many reasons: to seek adventure, someone new, boredom, change of heart, fear, or because they just really didnt care in the first place. Occassionally a heartbreaker will unknowingly become involved with someone of their own game. When two of our type get together there are alot of mixed signals, alot of confusion, and alot of frustration. Once you recognize eachother for what you are, you might never see them again, or you might have found your match. Theres no telling what will happen. It's hard for two completely disconnected people to not connect to each other.
My mother says that I always date loosers, but what she doesnt realize is what we had in common. I do not like alot of contact in public, I do not like pet names, I cannot stand 'I love you's, and I do not like making a show of my personal life. So basically im cut out to date jerks.
I've always been a nice person, and at times hilarious. A nice person/heartbreaker is ironic I know. But you can't blame me for trying to get it right. I won't settle for anything less.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Remembering You
The idea that I was once in love is so foreighn. I feel that I will search forever to find that feeling again. To be in love is to expericence completion, even for a moment and you will miss it for life. Some people live to try and fill the void that love overflows, but a love is not found in any common relationship. To be in love you must hand yourself over, all oceans of doubt aside, you choose your mate. I forget what it feels like to be complete, to have someone who knows you without judgement, to be in love and to be loved. It is impossible to imagine such an inner connection that you cannot identify it in words, it is an unspeakable thing.
I dont feel like the past ever happened. In a forgotten time we were as one, united. In stories the hero gets the girl, but you were no hero. You were a passion emobdied in a teenage soul. I cannot remember love, I cannot feel it any longer coursing through my bones. I am cold. I am restless.
I do not regret my actions for they were necessary. I do not lay awake in remorse.
I dont feel like the past ever happened. In a forgotten time we were as one, united. In stories the hero gets the girl, but you were no hero. You were a passion emobdied in a teenage soul. I cannot remember love, I cannot feel it any longer coursing through my bones. I am cold. I am restless.
I do not regret my actions for they were necessary. I do not lay awake in remorse.
This will be the last time I look at these pictures.
You have been erased.
And I'm allright.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
A Deck of Trick Cards
Our relationships with other people can always be defined with purpose. When you meet someone you are both subject to first impressions, the initial judgement. From judgement comes assumption, and from there a purpose. The purpose may be one of three things: romance, resources, or friendship. Friendship is based on conversation, common interests, and boredom. We find friends for companionship.We find romance for personal completion. We seek out resources to better ourselves. The perfect relationship would have all of the components of these three purposes.
We choose our friends the same as we choose our enemies. Observation leads us to compaire ourselves to each person we meet in speech, appearance, habbits, posture, features, ect. Our assesments tell us what we beleive to have in common and gives us purpose to therefor initiate a connection for better or for worse. Now that you have been aquainted an imprint remains of the encounter.
Of all the people that you meet a few will be unique. A few lucky people pass your examinations and are concidered as potential partners or comrades. Of these you will form close relationships and trust these few with your inner thoughts, emotions, memories, hopes, and dreams. I good friend acts as a recycling center for all loose thought, conversation. We form ideas and morals from our own minds recycled conversations, knowledge, and blabber jabber into our own speech and thought. No thought is original, every thought is pulled from a past resource allowing for ideas to bloom and research to be made.
We make ourselves better by compairing ourselves to what we concider to be wrong. There can be no wrong if there is no right. So then what is right? Many people concider morals, wholesomeness, goodness and knowledge to be good. Therefor bad people would come from bad morals, uncleanliness, bitterness, and stupidity. There is no true perfection. There is no valliant knight without blood on his hands. We all fall short.
From our personal sense of right and wrong we make decisions. We decide of what people we've met who to be with, and what we will do with ourselves along the way. Not every decision will be easy, but you must weigh your options. When there is decision 'A' and decision 'B' you ask yourself what you have to gain, and what you have to loose by selecting each option. You will subcontiosly run scenarios and deduce wich you will gain optimal resources and life experience from (aka: whats fun, whats cheap, whats easy). Often we go with the option where we will loose as little as necassary, but this does not make it the right answer. But we will never know till after it is decided.
So from these truths we write our own cards. Everything within our controll happens as a direct result of a decision we have previously set in stone. Nothing can be undone, only covered up. And sometimes the ugly comes back to bite you. We all choose our cards, life is nothing unexpected.
We choose our friends the same as we choose our enemies. Observation leads us to compaire ourselves to each person we meet in speech, appearance, habbits, posture, features, ect. Our assesments tell us what we beleive to have in common and gives us purpose to therefor initiate a connection for better or for worse. Now that you have been aquainted an imprint remains of the encounter.
Of all the people that you meet a few will be unique. A few lucky people pass your examinations and are concidered as potential partners or comrades. Of these you will form close relationships and trust these few with your inner thoughts, emotions, memories, hopes, and dreams. I good friend acts as a recycling center for all loose thought, conversation. We form ideas and morals from our own minds recycled conversations, knowledge, and blabber jabber into our own speech and thought. No thought is original, every thought is pulled from a past resource allowing for ideas to bloom and research to be made.
We make ourselves better by compairing ourselves to what we concider to be wrong. There can be no wrong if there is no right. So then what is right? Many people concider morals, wholesomeness, goodness and knowledge to be good. Therefor bad people would come from bad morals, uncleanliness, bitterness, and stupidity. There is no true perfection. There is no valliant knight without blood on his hands. We all fall short.
From our personal sense of right and wrong we make decisions. We decide of what people we've met who to be with, and what we will do with ourselves along the way. Not every decision will be easy, but you must weigh your options. When there is decision 'A' and decision 'B' you ask yourself what you have to gain, and what you have to loose by selecting each option. You will subcontiosly run scenarios and deduce wich you will gain optimal resources and life experience from (aka: whats fun, whats cheap, whats easy). Often we go with the option where we will loose as little as necassary, but this does not make it the right answer. But we will never know till after it is decided.
So from these truths we write our own cards. Everything within our controll happens as a direct result of a decision we have previously set in stone. Nothing can be undone, only covered up. And sometimes the ugly comes back to bite you. We all choose our cards, life is nothing unexpected.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Sometimes we lose.
I fell in love once when I was 17. We played music together and it felt right. He was 18 a notorious ass hole to everyone including me, and a known whore. I was hyper, happy, and innocent like any 17 year old girl should be. We met at odd times in odd places under odd circumstances and eventually started hanging out on purpose. I started sneaking around to see him and we would makeout for what felt like minutes but in all actuality was hours. He didn't want to 'oficially' date but he didnt want anyone else, and neither did I. He changed. He gave up everyone else and everything else for me, and I dropped anything to be with him. I made him smile everyday and I didnt need to know anyother purpose than this.
A year passed of nothing but blind, ignorant bliss. We never spoke the words. Never spoke of love. There was never a thought that anything was missing. It wasn't anything I wanted to do either, love is a word I shy from. Don't get me wrong I have love in my heart, I just dont like saying it. For some reason it never feels right. And one night, he said the words, and he meant it. My response was "What makes you say that?" And his reply,"I've been thinking about this alot, I've been thinking about you alot, and you are the most beautiful girl I've ever set eyes on. I just had to let you know." I had won him.
I dont know why but after that night the words kept coming. The promises burned holes in my head. Every night and every morning came the professions of love, promises of brighter days and eventually talk of the future. I found security in his love and inside of the promises. I was no longer in love, I was comfortable, codependent, and confused.
The second year past by in this type of haze. Not knowing what I want and not knowing what to do. There was no one else in my life, nothing to turn to. I had given everything up for this boy who had completely taken over my life. He was as in love with me as I had ever been for him. He did not even see me drifting away.
AUGUST I had had enough. Networking through facebook and going anywhere I could to meet new people gave me hope of finding a new purpose. I added anyone I could to my friends list who I'd known from years ago, talked to everyone as often as possible, and began to try to get away from the past 2 years. I tried to let him let me go.
SEPTEMBER Through my networking of friends and friends of friends I met Terryn who I have to thank for changing my life. He threw a party and invited me. His house was only a few blocks from mine so i decided to show my face. Upon getting there I turned off my phone and decided i would make the most of this nerdfest party. Most of the night I sat on the porch smoking cigarettes and waiting for the people blocking me in to leave. A girl came and sat next to me, I had smoked my last cig and asked her if i could bum a smoke. She gladly gave me one and we started talking. 2 hours later I had found myself happier than I had been in the past year talking to this stranger about pets, siblings, and her 6 year marriage to a Muslim that had just ended. This girl's name was Kristin. And she gave me happiness.
My boyfriend didnt approve of me spending all of my time with strangers, but none of them liked him they said he gave them a bad feeling. Kristin invited me to another party at her friend named Alex.
OCTOBER Now, Alex initially thought i was a weird-o. I don't think she liked me at all untill about the third time we hungout. By the time her birthday came around Alex, Kristin and I were together all the time.
Tension at home with my parents was getting bad. My dads church was putting pressure on him to 'controll the situation' aka: me. Everyone knew I had been skipping church and didnt care at all. Mom and Dad tryed to get me to stay home on the weekends, wanted me to stop seeing Colby, and wanted to to focus more on my college. I'd always get caught smoking cigarettes and after a while we all stopped caring. We were tired of fighting. I was tired of the pressure. I was not the straight A clean cut poster girl my sister was and i couldnt stand the dissappointment I was becoming. I had to leave home. But I didn't have the strength or the resources to leave anything behind.
NOVEMBER Alex was working as a manager at a buisness that was closing down. She couldnt afford her apartment anymore, and she didnt know what to do. But i was the perfect solution. With this new promise of a new begining I branched out and became confident. Within 2 weeks I was moved in and ready to start over.
DECEMBER You lose. You lose everything, everyone does. Nothing stays, everything changes and if you cannot change accordingly to adapt, you lose yourself. He did not change with me, and I had to let him go. There was nothing but numbness and anxiety for the situation. I had been trying to grow apart from him since August and he wasnt getting it. Everytime I tryed to talk to him he would say 'we can work on this together' or 'thats not a good enough reason' or 'I know you better than you know yourself, you dont mean that'. I needed to be on my own. I needed to be free. I needed to get to know myself, I had spent too much time in his mind and not enough in mine. I didnt need him anymore. I felt that i was doing the right thing for me, and that I had so much life to explore. Life was not going to end with him.
Since then I have challenged myself every day, and I have overcome my weaknesses. By loosing everything I was living sheltered in I embraced myself, and the world of opportunities around me.
April 4th, 2011
A year passed of nothing but blind, ignorant bliss. We never spoke the words. Never spoke of love. There was never a thought that anything was missing. It wasn't anything I wanted to do either, love is a word I shy from. Don't get me wrong I have love in my heart, I just dont like saying it. For some reason it never feels right. And one night, he said the words, and he meant it. My response was "What makes you say that?" And his reply,"I've been thinking about this alot, I've been thinking about you alot, and you are the most beautiful girl I've ever set eyes on. I just had to let you know." I had won him.
I dont know why but after that night the words kept coming. The promises burned holes in my head. Every night and every morning came the professions of love, promises of brighter days and eventually talk of the future. I found security in his love and inside of the promises. I was no longer in love, I was comfortable, codependent, and confused.
The second year past by in this type of haze. Not knowing what I want and not knowing what to do. There was no one else in my life, nothing to turn to. I had given everything up for this boy who had completely taken over my life. He was as in love with me as I had ever been for him. He did not even see me drifting away.
AUGUST I had had enough. Networking through facebook and going anywhere I could to meet new people gave me hope of finding a new purpose. I added anyone I could to my friends list who I'd known from years ago, talked to everyone as often as possible, and began to try to get away from the past 2 years. I tried to let him let me go.
SEPTEMBER Through my networking of friends and friends of friends I met Terryn who I have to thank for changing my life. He threw a party and invited me. His house was only a few blocks from mine so i decided to show my face. Upon getting there I turned off my phone and decided i would make the most of this nerdfest party. Most of the night I sat on the porch smoking cigarettes and waiting for the people blocking me in to leave. A girl came and sat next to me, I had smoked my last cig and asked her if i could bum a smoke. She gladly gave me one and we started talking. 2 hours later I had found myself happier than I had been in the past year talking to this stranger about pets, siblings, and her 6 year marriage to a Muslim that had just ended. This girl's name was Kristin. And she gave me happiness.
My boyfriend didnt approve of me spending all of my time with strangers, but none of them liked him they said he gave them a bad feeling. Kristin invited me to another party at her friend named Alex.
OCTOBER Now, Alex initially thought i was a weird-o. I don't think she liked me at all untill about the third time we hungout. By the time her birthday came around Alex, Kristin and I were together all the time.
Tension at home with my parents was getting bad. My dads church was putting pressure on him to 'controll the situation' aka: me. Everyone knew I had been skipping church and didnt care at all. Mom and Dad tryed to get me to stay home on the weekends, wanted me to stop seeing Colby, and wanted to to focus more on my college. I'd always get caught smoking cigarettes and after a while we all stopped caring. We were tired of fighting. I was tired of the pressure. I was not the straight A clean cut poster girl my sister was and i couldnt stand the dissappointment I was becoming. I had to leave home. But I didn't have the strength or the resources to leave anything behind.
NOVEMBER Alex was working as a manager at a buisness that was closing down. She couldnt afford her apartment anymore, and she didnt know what to do. But i was the perfect solution. With this new promise of a new begining I branched out and became confident. Within 2 weeks I was moved in and ready to start over.
DECEMBER You lose. You lose everything, everyone does. Nothing stays, everything changes and if you cannot change accordingly to adapt, you lose yourself. He did not change with me, and I had to let him go. There was nothing but numbness and anxiety for the situation. I had been trying to grow apart from him since August and he wasnt getting it. Everytime I tryed to talk to him he would say 'we can work on this together' or 'thats not a good enough reason' or 'I know you better than you know yourself, you dont mean that'. I needed to be on my own. I needed to be free. I needed to get to know myself, I had spent too much time in his mind and not enough in mine. I didnt need him anymore. I felt that i was doing the right thing for me, and that I had so much life to explore. Life was not going to end with him.
Since then I have challenged myself every day, and I have overcome my weaknesses. By loosing everything I was living sheltered in I embraced myself, and the world of opportunities around me.
April 4th, 2011
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