June 2, 2009 (harry potter dreams)

no one knows what tomorrow will bring, or even if tomorrow will come at all.


so, i was watching harry potter and the order of the pheonix lastnight and i was thinking about all the people i know and what house they would go to. we all know Griffindor is the good guys and Slytherin are the bad guys, but what about Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw? exactly. no one knows, cause thats where everyone else goes. not the hero, and not the bad guys.

im one of those people that would be thrown in the hufflepuff/ravenclaw group. but i cant help it that im not menacing or the hero in disguise.


Everyone tries to make a big deal out of everything so that they can be looked upon as the hero or the menace. but why? its all about the attention you crave and the people you cant get to like you. not everyone in this world is going to like you, even if you do everything right.






What if we were all told we were going to die tomorrow. Would you want to be with the people you care about (hufflepuff/ravenclaw), try to stop the catastrophe(griffindor) or wine about the fact that you are going to die(slytherin)?
This is basically the drem i had lastnight haha

and hufflepuff saved the day cause we decided to throw an end of the world party and voldemort came and got so wasted that he forgot he was going to kill everyone :P










yeah, i have some crazy dreams. what of ittt

April 20, 2009

being simple.

i like being able to just chill.

i like keeping life easy.

i like being able to just lay down and daydream,
i wish things were really as plain and simple as i see them
but at the same time, i thirst for chaos.


i like being me,
because im easy to please
and i could be all by myself in a lonely room
and still find a reason to smile.


i like seeing the good in people,
and making them smile
even if its obvious they despise me.



i like driving
when i know where im going
but i get so easily lost (seriously)
that sometimes i have to ask for directions,
and i hate talking to strangers
i even hate ordering pizza,
because i dont know who that is on the other end.



i like the people i am familiar with,
i find comfort in knowing that even though i dont like to talk about things,
i'll have someone that will listen when i decide to speak.


i like that i let things go,
if someone hurts me, i forgive
but ill be damned if i forget.
i like that i pretend like nothing bad happens.


i like that no one really knows me,
it keeps life interesting,
but i like when someone knows what i like
and can see whats on my mind by looking me in the eyes.


i like to pretend like i have super powers,
it makes me feel unique to think
that i could look straight through people
and fly away, and become invisible.



i like pretending that im a rockstar,
but i wish it was easier to imagine a crowd.
maybe then i wouldnt have stage fright.



i like that i block things out,
if something bothers me,
it might as well not exist.



i like that i have the imagination of a four year old,
i am easily amused and not so easily troubbled.



i like that i am a pansy,
i dont have the nerve to say whats on my mind
and i think more than i should,
so in consequence, i bite my toungue.


i like that we think we are free,
but we know that we are slaves to economy.
so we create our own boundaries,
and break the law anyway
because we know it wont change anything.







"try to make ends meet, youre a slave to money. then you die."
-bittersweet symphony, the verve.

April 5, 2009

if you could ever run so far away from a feeling that you'd forget it,
but sometimes the things that we cant stand are the things that we can't forget.






I wonder why so many people return to the same problems, recreating the same situations with different people at a different time.
Some people beleive that with out knowledge of the past, the past is doomed to repeat itself.
I wouldnt say that im a knowledgeable kind of person, but i know that simplicity is a beautiful thing.
If you look at my life and see what i see, you would agree that nothing is ever as it seems, and ignorance is a straight path to failure.
I have alot on my back and i dont expect anyone to read this, but i feel lead to say something.


This is me, being plain and honest.




All my life i have been an obedient child to my parents and done everything without question, one of these things would be attending church. I was 'saved' at the age of 12 because i didnt want to be the only kid in the youth group who hadnt been baptized. i didnt beleive, but the peer pressure of feeling like i would be an out cast among this group like family was enough to make me lie and say that my faith was true.
i know its dumb, but i have felt guitly for this since the day.
When i was 13 my grandfather died and what little faith i held onto died with him. I was no longer an innocent and i took any opportunity to be distructive that came along. Nothing mattered to me, not even my own body. My parents caught me with a cigarette, then caught me high, they caught me purging, and drinking. My Dad used to get mad alot, he would yell at me and my mom would just watch and eventually ask him to stop.
So i hid behind religion because i knew that was the only thing i knew that would make them proud and to forgive me for the pain a had caused.
Alot of things happened between 13-15 years of age, happiness would come and go, but i would always feel empty and skeptical of every good thing that happened.
My mom had alot of medical problems, and often i would be concerned but she would always say things like 'God will protect me' or 'Don't worry, just pray.' And i would pray, but i would feel like a liar everytime i adressed the higher being.
i have gone to church every sunday morning, sunday night and wednesday since before i can remember. and i can only remember a short time that i think i actually felt like God was there. I remember when i was little and i was scared of the dark and deep water and thunderstorms, i would always hide and pray and block out everything else. But now that i look back, i would hide in God. I beleived that he would protect me.

But now that im older, i know what the world is like. Now that im older, i dont have any real fears. If i was to meet with death, i would go quietly knowing that it was my time, i wouldnt be afraid. Sure i havent lived a full or long life, but we never really know when we'll go.
I feel like so many people are scared of death, wich is why they run to religion. Other people attend so their children will have a positive environment to be in. I think that i am the person i am today by the people that influemced me at a young age, sunday school teachers, my family, and my siblings. And i appriciate what my parents did for me when they gave me that group of people to grow up with.

i was born into a God fearing family and a good home, but i think i have a different purpose, i feel like i dont share their beleifs for a reason.

im tired of feeling like a liar, im not a bad person. i just dont beleive. my heart is right and i have more reason now to feel guilty for all the things that ive done, but i feel no guilt. I have peace and i dont have any regrets.


i am a girl, living in a world of mob behavior, greed, and deception.

I dont know whats real, but i know what is real varys from person to person. And people change. Converting and loosing faith is very common. i personally, dont know what to beleive, but ill know its true when it finds me at the right time. That will be real to me, but it might now be true to you. Everyone is different

and i dont carehow you say it or what its called

but religion or not, i just want simplicity and peace.


and im sure thats what alot of people search for all their lives, and ive found it by doing what i feel lead to do. following my heart and intuition.


But i will never be able to tell you what i really am, it would break my heart to dissappoint you.

March 10, 2009

and what is this for,
but a vain sacrifice of a superficial sorts:
sobering up just to leave the world once more
cause you know youre going nowhere,
might as well be going nowhere.

inebriation becomes condescending.

ill keep my mouth closed
because i dont have much to say,
but the day that i decide to care
youll turn your head away.

cold hands on cold skin,
sadness melted into sin.
we're lonely, but not alone
beside me, the hollowness shows.

eyes glazed over into paradise,
for this, you will pay no price.

falling down just to dream,
while silence lays beside me.
in my sleep i know ill see
visions of a better thing.

if the day lasts into tomorrow
ill have lived another day.
and maybe if im lucky,
something will go my way.

our eyes on the sky
and i dont think anyone knows why
its so easy to survive,
but breathing doesnt make you feel alive.

survival is not living.
watching is not experiencing.
waiting is not initiating.
wishing is not fighting.
longing is not embracing.

fearing is not conquering.

there is no desire in the grey of the soul,
there is no hope in destitution,
love is weary, fleeting from the source



what is a heart without a purpose?

-hannah duke.

Electricity.

     In a matter of moments your entire persepctive can change. It is not an easy thing to face you weakness, but you have become my biggest strength. You are my comfort, my hope, my home. You are the one who broke my mold. I could have never planned this I could have never guessed that you would be the one I would choose. I never wanted anything so badly as I want this. I want you, our house, our name, our kids. I want everything I never thought I'd concider. You took my bitterness and blew it away. I was lonely, lost, and angry before you finally found me. A friend from afar I must admit I didn't know your intentions but I came over that day reguardless. You were shy and sweet, something unexpected. As we spent more time together I grew to you. I let go of all of my barriers, all of my expectations, and all of my past and just let you in completely. You did the same accepting me and from then I knew it would be you that i was going to be with forever.
     I never opened myself completely, never talked seriously about a future. But I loved pretending so much with you, imagining our life that imaginations were ideas that bloomed to desire. I want this life with you. I want all of it. From the bills to sharing a bathroom to sex to wedding plans. I want to grow old and still feel like this. I want to travel, adventure, and one day have kids. I never wanted this before.
     I see how much I love you everyday starting with the first thought when I wake up wishig you were here. I picked out my wedding dress and all I could think about was the look on your face when you see me standing there. I hope you are breathless. I hope it feels like the first time you have ever seen me. I want to be your prize, you're love for life, you're source of joy, your perfect wife.
    
     A year ago I could not have guessed it would be you that would give me this happiness. All of my doubts fell to the ground the day you blushed when I held your hand.
     When i thought you were going to kiss me for the first time we were at your house and we were outside. You were kidding but you cornered me to the wall, close to my face you smiled and then let me go. I turned to red and the hairs stood up on my neck, my arms and my chest. You didnt even touch me and i didnt get my kiss, but I still felt the electricity flow through us. Before we even had put it together I could feel it. And I wanted you like I have never wanted anyone before.
     You didn't kiss me for weeks after that, but I was okay just holding your hand. We would have sleepovers and watch movies all night, fall asleep barely touching then wake with daylight. It felt like first love's light on my brow every day I realized you wanted me as well. One night we were together we fell asleep nose to cheek and for some odd reason we both would awake and our lips to meet. That night in that moment as we fell back to sleep I'd think it was a dream if I hadn't woken up and you were holding me. In a sigh of assurance I woke up to find I wanted to feel this way for the rest of my life.

Vulnerable.

       Being alone is a safe state of being. When you are alone no one can reject you and no one can judge you. I have the ability to isolate my feelings from people to keep me from caring too much, but I've found that I cannot isolate myself from you. I build up emotional barriers as a failsafe to keep me from becoming attatched, but I cant seem to keep my guard up anymore. There is an icy grip I keep on my heart, but I feel it melting right from under me. You are a carefree man who never asks anything of me but time. There are no expectations or uneccesary pressures that bind me to you. You are the quietest and most humble person I've ever met and it bewilders me that I find you so captivating. I did not plan this or expect it to happen, but here you are tossed in my path. I could not plan to meet someone like you, someone so kind and tolerable, someone I can stand. I feel like there must be something wrong with me to feel like this, I feel like I have no controll over how I feel and that I may explode at any second. As much as I hate being so vulnerable, it brings me a comfortable happiness hoping you might feel as vulnerable as I do too.

you are you're greatest weapon.

      Once in a while you meet someone who really interests you, You see eachother a coupple times but then you go your separate ways. Sometimes you end up meeting that person again and repeating the cycle. And sometimes you can't get rid of them. It is a frustrating and sad thing to get attatched, and then go back to the separation part of the cycle. Once you are comfortable you either stay, or you run. You can either choose to be comfortable or to continue to engage in the never ending chase.
     You never know what opportunities you may pass up when being exclusive to someone else. It is a tough decision to choose one person over every other suitor. The best kind of people are the ones that will watch you grow, watch you hurt, and will still love you. I'm more likely to end up marrying one of my good friends. Friendship is a valuable part of every relationship and it is taken for granted more often that it is recognized. You should never give your heart to a romance. Romance is a quick, without thought, and often irrational. Never surrender yourself to passion, only to people who are kind, understanding, and patient. Never fall blindly.
   
     If ever there is a stale linger of doubt, do not ignore it. You are your greatest weapon.