Sometimes we lose.

         I fell in love once when I was 17. We played music together and it felt right. He was 18 a notorious ass hole to everyone including me, and a known whore. I was hyper, happy, and innocent like any 17 year old girl should be. We met at odd times in odd places under odd circumstances and eventually started hanging out on purpose. I started sneaking around to see him and we would makeout for what felt like minutes but in all actuality was hours. He didn't want to 'oficially' date but he didnt want anyone else, and neither did I. He changed. He gave up everyone else and everything else for me, and I dropped anything to be with him. I made him smile everyday and I didnt need to know anyother purpose than this.
        A year passed of nothing but blind, ignorant bliss. We never spoke the words. Never spoke of love. There was never a thought that anything was missing. It wasn't anything I wanted to do either, love is a word I shy from. Don't get me wrong I have love in my heart, I just dont like saying it. For some reason it never feels right. And one night, he said the words, and he meant it. My response was "What makes you say that?" And his reply,"I've been thinking about this alot, I've been thinking about you alot, and you are the most beautiful girl I've ever set eyes on. I just had to let you know." I had won him.
          I dont know why but after that night the words kept coming. The promises burned holes in my head. Every night and every morning came the professions of love, promises of brighter days and eventually talk of the future. I found security in his love and inside of the promises. I was no longer in love, I was comfortable, codependent, and confused.
          The second year past by in this type of haze. Not knowing what I want and not knowing what to do. There was no one else in my life, nothing to turn to. I had given everything up for this boy who had completely taken over my life. He was as in love with me as I had ever been for him. He did not even see me drifting away.

                 AUGUST I had had enough. Networking through facebook and going anywhere I could to meet new people gave me hope of finding a new purpose. I added anyone I could to my friends list who I'd known from years ago, talked to everyone as often as possible, and began to try to get away from the past 2 years. I tried to let him let me go.


            SEPTEMBER Through my networking of friends and friends of friends I met Terryn who I have to thank for changing my life. He threw a party and invited me. His house was only a few blocks from mine so i decided to show my face. Upon getting there I turned off my phone and decided i would make the most of this nerdfest party. Most of the night I sat on the porch smoking cigarettes and waiting for the people blocking me in to leave. A girl came and sat next to me, I had smoked my last cig and asked her if i could bum a smoke. She gladly gave me one and we started talking. 2 hours later I had found myself happier than I had been in the past year talking to this stranger about pets, siblings, and her 6 year marriage to a Muslim that had just ended. This girl's name was Kristin. And she gave me happiness.
           My boyfriend didnt approve of me spending all of my time with strangers, but none of them liked him they said he gave them a bad feeling. Kristin invited me to another party at her friend named Alex.

                 OCTOBER Now, Alex initially thought i was a weird-o. I don't think she liked me at all untill about the third time we hungout. By the time her birthday came around Alex, Kristin and I were together all the time.
           Tension at home with my parents was getting bad. My dads church was putting pressure on him to 'controll the situation' aka: me. Everyone knew I had been skipping church and didnt care at all. Mom and Dad tryed to get me to stay home on the weekends, wanted me to stop seeing Colby, and wanted to to focus more on my college. I'd always get caught smoking cigarettes and after a while we all stopped caring. We were tired of fighting. I was tired of the pressure. I was not the straight A clean cut poster girl my sister was and i couldnt stand the dissappointment I was becoming. I had to leave home. But I didn't have the strength or the resources to leave anything behind.

                NOVEMBER Alex was working as a manager at a buisness that was closing down. She couldnt afford her apartment anymore, and she didnt know what to do. But i was the perfect solution. With this new promise of a new begining I branched out and became confident. Within 2 weeks I was moved in and ready to start over.  

              DECEMBER You lose. You lose everything, everyone does. Nothing stays, everything changes and if you cannot change accordingly to adapt, you lose yourself. He did not change with me, and I had to let him go. There was nothing but numbness and anxiety for the situation. I had been trying to grow apart from him since August and he wasnt getting it. Everytime I tryed to talk to him he would say 'we can work on this together' or 'thats not a good enough reason' or 'I know you better than you know yourself, you dont mean that'. I needed to be on my own. I needed to be free. I needed to get to know myself, I had spent too much time in his mind and not enough in mine. I didnt need him anymore. I felt that i was doing the right thing for me, and that I had so much life to explore. Life was not going to end with him.

                           
                             Since then I have challenged myself every day, and I have overcome my weaknesses. By loosing everything I was living sheltered in I embraced myself, and the world of opportunities around me.

April 4th, 2011